** (590) Bambi Pinkflower is sitting on the couch in a funk. She would be lying face down in the traditional sulking pose, but "lying face down" doesn't really work for her. **
(591) GM-Abner: Christmas is the season of giving...and Mrs. Claus was giving it away far too freely, but that's all behind you now. Aside from a sulking Bambi, you're all readjusting to the normal humdrum life in the 'burbs.
** Leon is playing Doom 3, occasionally glancing at Bambi, and somehow can't get the phrase 'Satin Over Basketballs' out of his head. **
(591) GM-Abner: (Lol. I love this game.)
** (590) Bambi Pinkflower wants to look her best for her boyfriend when he visits again. Hmm... Bigger boobs, maybe? **
(586) Leon: "Jesus, Bambi, if they were any bigger, you could go ballooning by yourself."
(590) Bambi Pinkflower: "We need to do something. Let's organize a LAN party. That could be fun."
(591) GM-Abner: That is until a few days ago when a bunch of monkeys in a nondescript government-issue dark colored 4-door sedan pulled into your driveway. A couple of ramrod-stiff guys in cheap suits and sunglasses grabbed Abner and tossed him into the back seat where six monkeys in tinfoil jumpsuits were already waiting. Five leaped upon him instantly while the other read a copy of Hamlet.
(591) GM-Abner: You'd imagine that Area 51 needed some test piloting skills and Abner was called in.
(591) GM-Abner: That leaves the house oddly quiet. Luckily for you, it's a THREE DAY WEEKEND. Ahh. The magic words that soothe the soul.
(591) GM-Abner: As it turns out, the entire country is celebrating National Walnut Day. There'll be a Macy's Squirrel parade on TV, but that's about it. Enjoy.
** Leon briefly ponders the merits of a LAN party, but then considers doing some vile deed to the neighbors instead. **
(591) GM-Abner: Cherri feels a little jealous of Bambi. Anytime Leon stares at someone else's rack is a moment of insecurity. She might have to zombify him someday.
(586) Leon: "Hey Bambi, let's fire up the truck and go get some supplies. We need beer and walnuts."
(590) Bambi Pinkflower: "I want to host a LAN party. But all the local computer guys have trouble breathing when they're in the same room as me."
(586) Leon: (Leon and Bambi? HELL no. He's got enough problems, GM!)
(586) Leon: "You'll win the Doom 3 tournament, then."
(590) Bambi Pinkflower: (True, but it's hard not to stare at a rack that takes up half the room.)
(586) Leon: (It's a stare of incredulity rather than the admiring stare she's used to.)
(590) Bambi Pinkflower: (She's used to both. She is also used to disgusted stares from most women.)
(586) Leon: "Come on, get the truck keys. Your roots could use a touch up."
** Leon ducks preemptively. **
(591) GM-Abner: Cherri gives here that stare occasionally. Goth chicks are not known for rackage.
(590) Bambi Pinkflower: (She hears a lot of "My god, that's disgusting! Don't you agree, honey?.... Stop staring at her!!! She's not attractive!!!")
** (591) Cherri feels somewhat mollified. **
(591) Cherri: "Make sure we get black walnuts, master."
(591) GM-Abner: Strangely, you also notice that the house smells a lot better since Abner left on his "vacation."
** (590) Bambi Pinkflower looks in the mirror. Yeah, Leon's right. Her platinum hair's roots are showing their natural medium blonde. **
(586) Leon: "Black walnuts, my favorite. Got the keys, Blondie?"
** (591) GM-Abner grabs her tiny black leather purse. **
(586) Leon: (Alias not showing, GM.)
** (590) Bambi Pinkflower checks her purse, jacket pocket, and cleavage. It's in her purse. **
** (591) Cherri grabs her tiny black leather purse. **
(591) Cherri: (Forgot to switch.)
(586) Leon: "Why'd you bother checking all those other places if you found it the first time? Sheesh, blondes."
(591) Cherri: "And Febreeze. Their 'Natural Nocturnal' scent might help out around here."
(591) Cherri: "Maybe you should go black, Bambi."
(586) Leon: "I thought the 'Tombstone Mold' scent might cheer the joint up a bit."
(590) Bambi Pinkflower: "Blondes have more fun."
(591) Cherri: "Anything to cover up the 'Old Salty Dog & Chili' stench coming from Abner's room."
(591) Cherri: "That depends on your definition of fun." She smirks evilly.
(590) Bambi Pinkflower: "Where are we headed?"
(586) Leon: "Everything But Walnuts. Good thing they caved to market pressure and started selling walnuts."
(590) Bambi Pinkflower: "Yeah, I think the president retired, and they didn't have to stick with his anti-walnut religion anymore."
(586) Leon: "Hope he drowns in them."
** Leon heads to the truck. **
(590) Bambi Pinkflower: "We'll need to check the furniture section. David and I, um. wrecked my mattress and boxspring."
(586) Leon: "La Rue! You're on guard duty."
(586) Leon: The skeletal cat pays no attention to Leon.
(590) Bambi Pinkflower: "Not too different from a live cat, eh?"
(591) GM: Things are pretty quiet in the neighborhood. The immediate neighbors seem to be doing boring things in their driveways and garages--things like folding clothes, hosing off dusty junk, and generally being dull. Bin Laden's outside teaching his camel how to crap over your fence.
(586) Leon: "We'll fix him later.
(591) Cherri: "Maybe we should get a cattle prod for that camel."
** (590) Bambi Pinkflower starts the car, and begins singing along to the radio. "I'm all out of love!! I'm so lost without you!!" Folk/rock singer/guitarist (1) [1d6] -> [6] = (6) **
(590) Bambi Pinkflower: Woah! Roll again and add! [1d6] -> [4] = (4)
(586) Leon: "I was thinking I could reanimate about 15 holiday basting turkeys and let them loose in his yard. That should confuse the camel."
(591) Cherri: Aside from some inflatable walnut lawn ornaments, things are pretty quiet for a major holiday. That is, until you get to Mal-Wart, formerly known as "Everything But Walnuts."
(591) Cherri: The parking lot is a sea of pickups, discarded shopping carts, and giant walnut advertising.
(591) Cherri: Oh, and there's the 90 foot tall purple rocket parked in the handicapped space.
** (590) Bambi Pinkflower tries to find a close-up parking spot. **
(586) Leon: "At least our truck is a nice black, instead of the usual rust."
(590) Bambi Pinkflower: "No, Leon. It's not a nice black. It's a badly spraypainted black, thanks to you. And no, it doesn't look more like a hearse now."
(591) Cherri: You're truck (the 57 Jimmy stepside with the blown 413 wedge) sticks out like, well, like two necromancers and a porn star at Mal-Wart.
(591) Cherri: *Your.
(586) Leon: "When I get a camper cover and paint it black too, it'll improve.
(591) Cherri: "See, I told you you should have gotten the $9.99 special at MaydayCo like the commercials on late-nite."
(590) Bambi Pinkflower: "Anyway, you won't be able to use a hearse. Remember the restraining order? You have to stay at least 50 yards away from all cemetaries."
(586) Leon: "No way, we need the money for rent. Ms. Evil has been poking around again, and she probably won't like it if we're short."
(586) Leon: "You'd think people would have more of a sense of humor. Even if it was a funeral."
(591) GM: (This alias thing is pissing me off. Where's the alias node in this release?)
(590) Bambi Pinkflower: "You and your fucking Disco Night at the cemetary. Seriously, just because you own a Dead Can Dance album doesn't mean you are supposed to illustrate the concept."
(586) Leon: (The help tree, "Templates"->"Tools"->"Create New Alias Library")
(591) GM: (Thank you! Sheesh.)
(586) Leon: "But how else was I supposed to interpret that? Besides, I had to get that Shatner album out of my head somehow."
(586) Leon: "Who bought that travesty, and how has it stayed in our house like a bad fungus?"
(586) Leon: "I've thrown it away like six times."
Cherri: "That was Abner's. He got it from Santa for Christmas. Something about Mrs. Claus looking at him funny. I think it was payback."
(586) Leon: "I think we had it before then, Evil Love probably keeps dropping it in the living room or something."
** (590) Bambi Pinkflower says nothing. Especially nothing about how she has about 20 copies of the Shatner album that she found on ebay, and leaves around the house to torment Leon. **
Cherri: "Hairyback says it's cursed. You can chuck it, burn it, break it, eat it, or flush it. It comes back every time and it just sounds worse."
(591) GM: (Lol. Both are good as running gags!)
(591) GM: So you find a parking space, sort of. Leon uses superior mass to make a space by squashing a Toyota hybrid under your front left tire.
(586) Leon: "We'll probably never know for sure. Just throw it over the fence to Bin Camel if you see it."
(586) Leon: "Maybe his camel will choke on it."
(590) Bambi Pinkflower: http://cgi.ebay.com/ebaymotors/GENERAL-LEE-Mini-Version_W0QQitemZ4598497974QQcategoryZ6059QQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem
(591) GM: Unfortunately, the space is right next to the large purple rocket ship.
(586) Leon: "OooooOOOOoooh! The scorching will even out the black paint!"
(591) GM: (That is messed up. It's hilarious, but messed up.)
(590) Bambi Pinkflower: It's for sale on ebay if you are interested. :D
** Cherri hops out. **
(586) Leon: (I keep hearing Prince in my head: "Little Red Chevette")
** (590) Bambi Pinkflower goes into the store. **
** Cherri strikes a goth pose, coolly evaluating how she could possibly enter such a dumping ground of bad taste as Mal-Wart. She might get kicked out of Gothdom and have to give up her honorary "Queen of the Gloom Cookies" scepter and tiara. **
** Leon steels his antisocial self in preparation for the milling throng of Mal-Wart. **
(591) GM: (Leon and Bambi, pick a number between one and ten please.)
(590) Bambi Pinkflower: 3?
(586) Leon: 7
(591) GM: And what a throng it is! You can smell the body odor from the parking lot. It seems that there's a pent-up demand for walnuts in this town and the locals came from miles aroun' jus' ta git some.
(590) Bambi Pinkflower: "What's the matter, Cherri? You only shop at independant, little-known places with their own unique style? Like Hot Topic?"
(591) GM: (Thanks.)
Cherri: "Hardly. I get my threads directly from Madame Darque's of Paris."
(586) Leon: "Great. Redneck Grand Central, as usual. Hold your nose as we pass automotive."
Cherri: "I'll wait outside, master. I'll guard the truck from squirrels."
** Cherri strikes another pose. [4d6] -> [1,5,4,4] = (14) Goth Princess **
(591) GM: The locals give her a wide berth.
** (590) Bambi Pinkflower can't be too harsh. She has most of her clothes either tailor made, or modified to fit her specifications. **
** Leon thinks that it would be more important to guard the truck from squirrels after the walnuts are in it, but sometimes it's not so easy to explain these things to a former zombie. **
(591) GM: (Or made of NASA-approved materials.)
(586) Leon: "They probably sell novelty bras that look like walnut shells, if you're looking to get a free ride on the parade float."
(586) Leon: "Might not have any in your size, though."
(591) GM: Leon, Bambi already entered. She seems to be waiting just inside.
** Leon follows Bambi. **
(590) Bambi Pinkflower: "I've already got a walnut bra. Had it for a while. Some guy with a walnut fetish paid to have a specialty video made."
(591) GM: As you enter, Leon, a piercing alarm goes off. Overweight, geriatric security guards clutch their chests reflexively.
** Leon looks around in shock. **
(591) GM: Thankfully, they don't grab you. Do you know how hard it is to get Preparation H out of black clothes?
(586) Leon: "Must be my cell phone."
** (590) Bambi Pinkflower looks at Leon with surprise. Usually, the elderly have heart attacks when they see her, not Leon. **
** Leon pulls out a bundle of bones. "Hello?" **
(591) GM: Thats when a grinning idiot in a snazzy suit romps up with a microphone in hand. "CONGRATULATIONS!"
** Leon puts the phone away. "What?" **
Announcer Guy: "You sir are our 9 millionth customer today at Mal-Wart. And today is..."
Announcer Guy: "NATIONAL WALNUT DAY!!"
** (590) Bambi Pinkflower tries to do something she sucks at.. fade conspiciously into the background. **
** Leon groans. **
(591) GM: The crowd of half-wits, bubbas, and other members of society give a whoop and a holler for the man in black.
(590) Bambi Pinkflower: (oops... I mean inconspiciously. Told you she sucked at it.)
** Announcer Guy surreptitiously pinches Bambi's butt. **
(586) Leon: "This is a joke, right? Grim Death Greeter is behind this, right?"
Announcer Guy: "And that means you're our grand prize winner!"
** (590) Bambi Pinkflower almost giggles and poses for the camera, then remembers she isn't that kind of girl anymore, and smack Announcer Guy's hand. **
Announcer Guy: "No joke, son. Just a year's supply of malted walnuts, courtesy of the Nutcrusher Publishinghouse Sweepstakes! Plus, you'll get a lifetime subscription to Squirrel Fancier magazine including the infamous Chip 'n' Dale review issue."
** Announcer Guy pulls back his injured hand. **
Announcer Guy: "A hah hah. Is this your wife, my good man?"
(586) Leon: "You must be on drugs."
Announcer Guy: "Not today."
** (590) Bambi Pinkflower looks slightly sick at the suggestion. **
(586) Leon: "She's into these jock types. And announcers with big voices."
Announcer Guy: "Ahem. You also get...oh, never mind. That's it. Just the walnuts and the subscription. But CONGRAT-U-LATIONS anyway!"
** Announcer Guy whispers to Leon while ogling Bambi. "Not even a little?" **
(591) GM: The crowd goes wild.
(586) Leon: "A little what?"
** (590) Bambi Pinkflower glares at Leon. Then she realizes with horror that she may actually have slept with announcer guy before, back before she had morals. Maybe. He does look familiar. **
(591) GM: Then there's a wet cleanup on aisle 496, a screaming baby at the checkout (the only one that's open), and there's a special on Pabst Blue Ribbon. The crowd disperses.
** Announcer Guy winks at Bambi. **
Announcer Guy: "Ever been to Tulsa? Wanna go?"
** (590) Bambi Pinkflower is a nice girl these days, but back in the day she was a bit different. It's hard to put a number on the guys she has been with. It would better be expressed as a percentage of the whole. **
(586) Leon: (If they were votes, she'd be president.)
Announcer Guy: "Anyway, here's your reciept and your commemorative Mal-Wark walnut ornament." He hands you a Willy Wonka-style golden ticket and a cheap, weird looking walnut the size of a baseball. It has what looks like Japanese letters on it.
(586) Leon: "What the heck does this say?"
(590) Bambi Pinkflower: "Tulsa? I'm not going to drive.... um, what town are we in again?"
** Announcer Guy pinches Bambi's butt again and heads for the door. **
(591) GM: (Dullsville, USA. It's on the coast.)
(586) Leon: (Thought it was Red Oaks, CA)
(591) GM: Although Leon and Cherri's ballot initiative to have it renamed Eville didn't pass last year.
(590) Bambi Pinkflower: (hehe. I used to live in Evansville, Indiana. Or E'ville)
(591) GM: Evil Love donated a pile of cash for that which was nice of her.
(591) GM: (Lol. I just made that up!)
(586) Leon: "What the heck am I supposed to do with this thing?"
** Leon examines the mutant walnut closely. **
** Announcer Guy calls over his shoulder. "I dunno. Turn in the reciept to the checkout slave to get your walnuts." **
(586) Leon: "Uh, okay then."
(591) GM: It's heavy, Leon. Judging by the dust on it, it's been around for a while. There's a cheap little red ribbon around it so you can hang it on your Christmahanukkwanz treemenorahfire.
(590) Bambi Pinkflower: "I met a guy who claimed he dated Evil Love. They had dinner and went back to her place. Then he spent six weeks in the mental asylum. He was never able to recover the memories of that night. But I understand they have a whole wing devoted to treating Evil Love's exes."
(586) Leon: "Come on, Bambi, we need something evil enough for Bin Camel. What does Allah do for Christmas?"
(591) GM: There's a guy standing completely motionless about 30 feet from you in aisle 345. He's kinda weird.
(590) Bambi Pinkflower: "Um, I don't know. Do they have Mohammedmas?"
** (590) Bambi Pinkflower looks at the weird guy. **
** Leon peers at the motionless guy in aisle 345. **
(591) GM: He's dressed in a dark blue spandex jumpsuit with two silver bubbles for eyes, two bandoliers across his chest, and a boom box on his shoulder.
(591) GM: He cranes his neck to one side and you hear it pop.
(586) Leon: "Even I wouldn't resurrect eighties rap."
(590) Bambi Pinkflower: "I need to check out the bedroom stuff and see what mattresses cost. Then I want to check out the computer section. We need to get this LAN party idea started.
(591) GM: A tumbleweed blows by.
** Leon flexes his bony hand in anticipation. Somewhere, someone is watching "The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly." Chances are it's on "The Ugly." **
(591) GM: From the side walks a guy in a white leather jumpsuit. He has a hanky across his face. There appears to be a large grape juice stain on his shirt. He looks straight ahead and waves his hands like an epileptic Michael Jackson.
(591) GM: Another tumbleweed blows down the aisle.
** (590) Bambi Pinkflower wonders if this is some kind of surrealistic performance art show. **
(586) Leon: "You ever get the feeling that it's going to be a bad week all inside of one day?"
(591) GM: Funny, but both of them wear sandals with socks.
(591) GM: They have those funny big toe separate socks that you can only get from Ninja Supply Centers.
(591) GM: The off-white guy spins to face you. His mouth moves behind the hanky.
(590) Bambi Pinkflower: "Uh oh. I think these guys are ninjas. Let's hope they don't flip out and kill people."
(591) GM: You wait a few seconds.
(586) Leon: "You know, just when you think rednecks are bad, ninjas move into the neighborhood."
(590) Bambi Pinkflower: "We could tell the rednecks that there are foreigners around, and let them duke it out."
Ghost Sheet Off-White Ninja Thunder Stain: "You...have the...thing. Hahaha. Cowboy zing, black hat. Haha!"
(586) Leon: "You need english lessons, pal."
(591) GM: Aside from the dusty wind blowing out of aisle 345, there isn't a sound.
(586) Leon: "Think he means the mutant walnut?"
(591) GM: (See! THIS is the crap you get when you let me GM!) :>
** Leon doesn't have a black hat, nor does he fancy himself a cowboy. **
(591) GM: (Oh, btw, this one is called 'For a Few Walnuts More.')
(590) Bambi Pinkflower: "I think I can handle this." Bambi steps toward the ninjas slowly.
(586) Leon: (HAHAHA!)
(591) GM: (Hey, his Engrish is bad, Leon. I'm just translating as best I can.)
(590) Bambi Pinkflower: Suddenly her hands grab the bottom of her blouse and whip it up. "HYPNOTIC BREAST ATTACK!!!!" Porn Star [4d6] -> [2,3,6,4] = (15)
(591) GM: (Think of the Power Rangers, Bambi.)
** Leon shields his eyes. "Jesus Christ, Bambi! Warn me next time!" **
(591) GM: (Which one are you gunning for, Bambi? Off-White ninja or Super Mecha Blue ninja?)
(590) Bambi Pinkflower: (Well, they can both see her, right?)
(591) GM: Okies.
** Super Mecha Blue Ninja Snake Armpit tries to resist [4d6] -> [3,4,2,4] = (13) Kung Pow! Cyborg. **
** Ghost Sheet Off-White Ninja Thunder Stain also tries to resist [5d6] -> [1,5,6,4,3] = (19) Wack Fu Master. **
(590) Bambi Pinkflower: (5 dice? Daayumm!)
** Ghost Sheet Off-White Ninja Thunder Stain is focused. He might have had his genitals removed as part of his ninja training. **
** Super Mecha Blue Ninja Snake Armpit on the other hand, sweats. This causes a short circuit in his lower chassis. **
(590) Bambi Pinkflower: (Blue ninja should lose a die now, unless you say that Bambi used an Inappropriate Cliche, in which case he loses 3 dice)
** Super Mecha Blue Ninja Snake Armpit speaks in a tinny monotone like a bad sci-fi computer. "Variable limit exceeded." **
Super Mecha Blue Ninja Snake Armpit: (Since Bambi opened combat, I don't see how it's inappropriate. One die goes bye bye.)
(590) Bambi Pinkflower: (Bummer.)
Super Mecha Blue Ninja Snake Armpit: Steam escapes from his pants.
(586) Leon: (Heh!)
** (590) Bambi Pinkflower doesn't regard his steaming crotch as unusual. Par for the course for male reactions. **
(591) GM: Off White swings his arms around like he's at a Grateful Dead concert and starts howling vowel combinations. He reaches inside his stained outfit and pulls out a little cardboard box.
** (590) Bambi Pinkflower has lowered her shirt again. **
(591) GM: He flings a pair of white squares at Bambi's chest.
** Ghost Sheet Off-White Ninja Thunder Stain [2d6] -> [6,2] = (8) Chiclet Marksman. **
(586) Leon: (That might sting.)
(590) Bambi Pinkflower: Bambi stands there, bouncing them safely away with Silicon Shield Technique. Porn Star [4d6] -> [5,1,5,4] = (15)
** Ghost Sheet Off-White Ninja Thunder Stain 's mouth moves. **
(591) GM: You wait patiently.
(591) GM: Then you hear it.
Ghost Sheet Off-White Ninja Thunder Stain: "You...hentai warrior schoolgirl...me likes! Haha. Now, you give up Golden Walnut of Ninja Seclets now, or Mega Space Yellow Ninja destrory Earth. Haha."
(586) Leon: "Who knew they had crack-smoking in Japan?"
** (590) Bambi Pinkflower sidles over to Leon. "Um, Leon? Is there any reason we can't just give it to him? I mean, we don't want it, do we? Let's hand it over, and go back to shopping." **
** Super Mecha Blue Ninja Snake Armpit vents more steam. "Yeah, baby." **
(591) GM: (Think of Hal 9000.)
(586) Leon: "Hey, I won this stupid thing, and a year's supply of walnuts. What's next, hand the truck o' doom over too?"
** Ghost Sheet Off-White Ninja Thunder Stain moves his mouth again. **
** (590) Bambi Pinkflower smiles at being called Hentai Warrior Schoolgirl. That would make a good film. **
Ghost Sheet Off-White Ninja Thunder Stain: "So you give trouble? Haha. Time for Go Go Provideon Band. We will we will lock you. Haha."
** (590) Bambi Pinkflower considers that even if she doesn't act in porn anymore, maybe she could produce and direct. **
** Ghost Sheet Off-White Ninja Thunder Stain flicks his hand at Blue ninja. **
(591) GM: Hang on a sec. Brb 2 minutes.
** (590) Bambi Pinkflower wonders if there is a market for necrophile porn. Leon could supply the actors. **
(586) Leon: (Bleh!)
(590) Bambi Pinkflower: (I am imagining Bambi being skeptical about the Christmas adventure. "So, you plummeted half a mile from the top story of Kringlegard and survived?")
** Leon wonders what the heck this mutant walnut thing is. **
(591) GM: Still addressing out of game situation. Please be patient.
(590) Bambi Pinkflower: No problem.
(591) GM: ...
(591) GM: (It looks like a baseball sized walnut with a golden hue under the dust.
** Leon rubs the dust off of it, thinking vaguely of genies. **
(591) GM: (Still resolving. Ask away. I'll try to answer ASAP.)
** (590) Bambi Pinkflower isn't sure she wants to buy computer stuff here. The computer expert who works here tends to run from the room sobbing when he sees Bambi. **
(586) Leon: (Must have seen one of her "Films.")
(591) GM: (Ah. Resolved. Sorry about that. Girlfriend's car horn was stuck.)
(586) Leon: (Wire cutters to the rescue!)
(591) GM: (Talk about annoying the neighborhood...)
** Super Mecha Blue Ninja Snake Armpit 's body starts transforming as hatches open in his skin. **
(590) Bambi Pinkflower: (hehe.)
Super Mecha Blue Ninja Snake Armpit: After a complicated 7-second delay punctuated by a funny grinding noise (Autobots--Transform!), Snake Armpit is now Slash's Snake Armpit and 50000 watt speaker and amp setup.
** Leon knows a bad music setup when he sees one. **
** Ghost Sheet Off-White Ninja Thunder Stain pulls off one glove and leaps onto the stage where he begins moonwalking. **
(586) Leon: (HA!)
(591) GM: (I distinctly recall a request for more evil music fun. Here ya go!)
(586) Leon: (And here I am without my undead xylophone!)
(590) Bambi Pinkflower: "Well, I did my part. You can handle this one, Leon."
** Ghost Sheet Off-White Ninja Thunder Stain also grabs his crotch occasionally as he does some funky Wack Fu moves on stage. Blue Ninja provides some hevy beatz. **
Announcer Guy: Pokes his head back in the store.
(586) Leon: "You! Bald, ugly, and never gets laid! Get back in here!"
(590) Bambi Pinkflower: (Oh, did you notice the flowchart I put up there?)
Announcer Guy: "Hey hey hey everyone! It's that time--it's time for the BATTLE of the BANDS! In this corner is the Intergalactic Ninja Patrol. In this corner is... you guys."
(590) Bambi Pinkflower: (Oh great. And Bambi with her whole one die in her music cliche.)
(591) GM: (What's your music cliche?)
(590) Bambi Pinkflower: (Folk/Rock Singer/Guitarist (1) )
(591) GM: (Might I suggest you call in the cavalry?)
** Leon chants quietly, summoning Jerry Garcia and Keith Richards. **
(590) Bambi Pinkflower: (Isn't Keith Richards alive?)
(586) Leon: Necromantic persuasion of the dead: [4d6] -> [5,3,3,6] = (17)
(591) GM: At that moment, Uma Thurman crashes through the front window of Mal-Wart. At least you think it's Uma.
(586) Leon: (Yes, but look at him! That guy is a zombie if there ever was one!)
(591) GM: Nope. Not Uma. Just some freak in a yellow jumpsuit with a black and white printout of Uma's face taped over his. This must be Mega Space Yellow Ninja.
(591) GM: Leon chants, then rants, then rubs his temples and coughs.
** (590) Bambi Pinkflower likes Uma Thurman, though she thinks she is a bit flat chested. **
(591) GM: Two half-rotten, hairy corpses erupt from the linoleum floor of Mal-Wart.
(591) GM: One is wearing a tie-dye tee shirt with an ugly silk tie while the other is wearing an Armani jacket over dirty black jeans. Both simultaneously say, "Dude, what the fu...brains!"
(586) Leon: "You know you want ninja brains!"
(590) Bambi Pinkflower: (Summon a vegetarian zombie. "Grraaiins! Grraaiiinss!")
(586) Leon: (Heh!)
** Mega Space Yellow Ninja Bill-San does a flying double somersault and lands on the stage next to Off-White ninja. He/she/it/bride bows as the growing crowd oohs and ahhs. **
Keef of the Chemicals: "Whoa. Mick? Mick brains?"
Uncle Jerry Bear: "Brains and brownies, man."
** Uncle Jerry Bear shakes off the clay on his tee shirt. **
** Keef of the Chemicals rubs it in and retrieves a cigarette. **
(586) Leon: "Yo, undead musical zombies, first jam, then eat ninja brians, got it?"
Keef of the Chemicals: "Yeah."
Uncle Jerry Bear: "And brownies."
(586) Leon: (s/brians/brains/)
** Announcer Guy tosses you a selection of instruments. "All provided by our sponsor, Mal-Wart. All right. Call it heads or tails." **
** Announcer Guy flips a large coin. **
(586) Leon: "Uh, tails?"
** Announcer Guy and catches it. **
** (590) Bambi Pinkflower picks up an acoustic guitar. **
** Ghost Sheet Off-White Ninja Thunder Stain moves his mouth. **
Ghost Sheet Off-White Ninja Thunder Stain: You all wait.
Ghost Sheet Off-White Ninja Thunder Stain: "Tails."
Announcer Guy: "Sorry Mr. Ninja. The man in black spoke first. Tails it is. You can go first or let your opponents face the music and this wild and crazy crowd!"
** (590) Bambi Pinkflower prepares to show off her Phoebe Buffay level of guitar skill. **
(591) GM: The crowd has a pulse and some cheap beer. This ought to be an afternoon to remember.
(586) Leon: "We'll take the second set."
(586) Leon: "After you, Ninja Bedstain."
Ghost Sheet Off-White Ninja Thunder Stain: "Thunder Stain! You...rue the day...Cowboy Zing!"
** Ghost Sheet Off-White Ninja Thunder Stain shakes his fist and Super Mecha Blue Ninja Slash's Snake Armpit puts out some noize. **
(591) GM: (So what are the rules for mobs?)
(590) Bambi Pinkflower: (How do you mean?)
(590) Bambi Pinkflower: (If we were fighting a mob, we could just give them a group stat, like Angry Mob (4))
(591) GM: (They're going to roll this as a band, not as individuals.)
(591) GM: (Or would you prefer to duke it out?)
(586) Leon: (Group would be faster...)
(591) GM: (Mano a separate-toe footo?)
(591) GM: (Okay. Pool your stats as the Undead Surfers for Whatever.)
(586) Leon: (I'll contribute my 4 Necromancy dice as soon as I've 'boned up' a xylophone.)
(590) Bambi Pinkflower: (Okay, I think we use whoever has the highest stat as Team Leader. That person does a normal roll. Everyone else adds any sixes rolled to the total.)
(590) Bambi Pinkflower: (Bambi will ostensibly playing and singing, but her dancing and jiggling will mean that she is actually using her Porn Star cliche, even if she doesn't admit it to herself.)
(591) GM: Amazingly, they have one, Leon. Only $48.55 on sale. Originally $49.95.
(590) Bambi Pinkflower: (Wait. Didn't your Necromancer skill go up to 5 at the end of Kringle?)
(586) Leon: (Gah, you're right!)
(591) GM: (I thought it did. Abner's the only one who has not had a SINGLE stat increase since we started. Bad rolls. Sigh.)
(590) Bambi Pinkflower: (Really? I don't think I got any stat increases, have I?)
(586) Leon: (Yeah, but Bambi hasn't had a lot of airtime, either.)
(591) GM: (True, but your character doesn't get much play either.)
(591) GM: (Do you guys have broadband?)
(586) Leon: Undead xylophone spring to life: Necromancy [5d6] -> [2,1,2,1,6] = (12)
(586) Leon: (Yep, I do.)
(590) Bambi Pinkflower: Gyrating porn star: [4d6] -> [5,5,1,6] = (17)
(586) Leon: The xylophone springs bones in odd places, and begins groaning softly with undead spirits.
(590) Bambi Pinkflower: (Her 6 is added, but nothing else.)
(591) GM: (Don't forget Uncle Jerry and Keef. Let's say they both have skills.)
Uncle Jerry Bear: Dead head percussionist [3d6] -> [1,1,5] = (7)
Keef of the Chemicals: Hamstring Sinew String Section [3d6] -> [2,6,6] = (14)
(586) Leon: (Wow!)
(590) Bambi Pinkflower: (In between verses, Bambi moans and squeals, and at one point, licks the neck of her guitar.)
(591) GM: That's [12+6+6+6] -> 30.
(590) Bambi Pinkflower: (I would say that Necromancer and Porn Star are inappropriate cliches for a Battle of the Bands)
(591) GM: The Intergalactic Ninja Patrol get crazy on their thing. It's like hip hop Haiku.
Ghost Sheet Off-White Ninja Thunder Stain: [5d6] -> [3,4,2,3,3] = (15) Wack Fu Haiku
Mega Space Yellow Ninja Bill-San: FX Master [4d6] -> [3,2,5,2] = (12) gives the band lots of lights, glow effects, and fireworks.
** Mega Space Yellow Ninja Bill-San sucks at that, apparently. **
** Super Mecha Blue Ninja Snake Armpit lays down hevy beatz as [5d6] -> [1,4,1,4,6] = (16) Mix Master DJ Blue **
(591) GM: You kick their asses.
(591) GM: Although, arguably, most of the cheering is for Keef. There are a lot of Stones fans at Mal-Wart today.
(586) Leon: "Take that, backwoods Kobe weenies! Remember folks, we're Undead Surfers for... Something!"
** Super Mecha Blue Ninja Snake Armpit blows out his speakers. **
(586) Leon: "And we're a bit light on the surfing department, too. But still."
** Mega Space Yellow Ninja Bill-San gets Tarantinoed. **
** (590) Bambi Pinkflower gets the goofy girlfriend look. "Undead Surfers for... David?" Then she realizes how dumb that is. **
** Ghost Sheet Off-White Ninja Thunder Stain gets his hood + hanky set on fire from one of Bill-San's pyrotechnics. He leaves the stage in flames. **
(586) Leon: (HAHAHAHA!)
Announcer Guy: "And the winner is...you guys! Let's hear it for the home team!"
(591) GM: The crowd goes crazy.
(591) GM: Two minutes later, they go home.
(586) Leon: "Remember kids, stay off drugs, and camels are not your friends!"
(591) GM: The ninjas retreat to the purple spaceship. It takes off, leaving a smoldering crater where the parking lot used to be.
(591) GM: At least you kept the Golden Walnut of Ninja Seclets.
(586) Leon: "Did the truck survive?"
(590) Bambi Pinkflower: "Oh no! The truck!!!.... Oh, and Cherri, too, I guess."
(586) Leon: "Ah, she was due for a resurrection. Life just doesn't suit her."
(591) GM: The parking lot is a slag field filled with melted metal. All except for a 57 GMC-shaped pile of ash.
** Leon sighs. **
(586) Leon: "Ok, looks like I'll be doing the zombie chant tonight."
(591) GM: It smells like burning dog hair.
** Leon looks for Rubber Cement for the zombie ritual. **
(591) GM: That's when a pale hand with black laquered nails punches through the ash.
(591) GM: (Who ya gonna call?)
(590) Bambi Pinkflower: "Don't you need a body? Unless you can do ash zombies."
(586) Leon: "To be honest, the corpus doesn't matter much, as long as you have some of the original material. It's mostly willpower that holds them together."
** Cherri calls out from the fist-sized hole. "Hey." **
(586) Leon: "Hey, what are you doing in there?"
(590) Bambi Pinkflower: "Oh hey there, spooky-butt! Need some help?"
Cherri: "Just listening to Type O Negative. What happened?"
** Leon tries to help Cherri out. **
(586) Leon: "Some ninja weenies got all huffy and burnt up the place on their way out."
(591) GM: Leon, the ash comes off the truck like styrofoam.
** (590) Bambi Pinkflower decides to try and get David to move out here. He owns an AMC Pacer she could borrow from time to time. **
(591) GM: It boiled off the black paint, revealing the seafoam green lead paint beneath, but other than that, the truck seems fine.
(590) Bambi Pinkflower: (Oh, the truck survived?)
(591) GM: The truck has a cliche.
(586) Leon: "Bleh, that is hideous."
(591) GM: Detroit Steel Avatar 8.
** Leon needs some black spray paint. **
** (590) Bambi Pinkflower decides to go shopping for a nicer vehicle. Maybe a van with bright shag carpeting in the back. **
(591) GM: Seafoam green will not be denied for long!
(591) GM: About this time, a lone Mal-Wart wage slave pushes a cart out through the charred debris in the parking lot. "Do you want your malted walnuts in the cab or the bed, folks?"
(591) GM: (And that's the end of For a Few Walnuts More.)
(586) Leon: (Heh!)
(590) Bambi Pinkflower: "We are gonna be so sick of walnuts after a few days. Of course, in a month it's Prune Day."
(591) GM: (Lol. Abner won't miss Prune Day. Not for the world.)
(586) Leon: (The septic system winces in anticipation of prune day.)
(590) Bambi Pinkflower: I guess we roll for improvement.
(590) Bambi Pinkflower: I only used Porn Star and Folk/Rock Singer Guitarist.
(590) Bambi Pinkflower: Remember, if it's all even you improve. :)
(590) Bambi Pinkflower: Porn Star [4d6] -> [3,5,1,6] = (15)
(590) Bambi Pinkflower: Nope.
(586) Leon: Necromancy [5d6] -> [6,2,2,3,6] = (19) (Yeah, right!)
(590) Bambi Pinkflower: Folk Rock Singer Guitarist. [1d6] -> [2] = (2)
(591) GM: Oh, one last thng.
(590) Bambi Pinkflower: Yay!
(591) GM: *thing
(590) Bambi Pinkflower: She is now a Folk/Rock Singer/Guitarist (2)
Uncle Jerry Bear: "Hey, dude."
(586) Leon: "Zombie dudes, want a ride?"
Keef of the Chemicals: "Uh, can we get a ride with you lot? Huh."
(591) GM: Snap!
(586) Leon: (Ha!)
(591) GM: (Wtf? Were we separated at birth?)
(586) Leon: "You guys hungry for some camel brains?"
(591) GM: And yet another running joke is created.
(586) Leon: (I guess so, heh!)
** (590) Bambi Pinkflower doesn't have those, though she has a camel toe on occasion. **
(586) Leon: "I mean Bin Laden's camel, we'll teach it to crap on our fence."
(591) GM: And the puns begin. A bit late, but hey.
(591) GM: Oh, he's teaching it to crap OVER your fence. Big difference. :)
(586) Leon: (Well, we'll think of something suitably evil to to in response.)
(591) GM: And you'll get your chance. Next time it's...
(590) Bambi Pinkflower: I rather like Bambi. She is an odd character.
(591) GM: The Cheap, the Tacky, and the Evil.
(586) Leon: (Bambi, Bambi, and Evil Love.)
(591) GM: In other words, it's Saturday in the 'burbs.
** (590) Bambi Pinkflower is considering getting David out here again. During his last visit, he was only catatonic about 40% of the time! A vast improvement! :D **
(591) GM: Our final installment doesn't have a spaghetti western ripoff title. It has a Bruce Lee ripoff title!
(591) GM: Hey, catatonic can be fun if you're into that sort of thing.
(586) Leon: (David's catatonia had nothing to do with Leon's death experiments. Nope, nothing at all...)
(590) Bambi Pinkflower: Nope. Leon was saving Christmas when that happened. :)
(590) Bambi Pinkflower: That's the alibi!
(586) Leon: (Must have found a Shatner album then.)
(586) Leon: (Hey... Mr... Tamborine.. Man!)