(458) GM: You defeated the Day-Glo Shaving Trolls of Suburbia. You managed to do it while containing a minor demonic incursion at a William Shatner convention and left no casualties (aside from hair that will grow back), enduring even the darkest moments of Queen's Greatest Hits.
(458) GM: Whew! Let's hope Sunday is better.
(458) GM: (Insert maniacal laugh.)
(455) Leon: (I do regret the hair growing back, those idiots need scars to remind them of stupidity.)
(458) GM: You retire to your house.
(458) GM: (Just because they love The Shatner?)
(458) GM: (By the way, his kidney stone was for sale. 2 guys in Austin bought it.)
(472) Bambi: (Neat!)
(455) Leon: (Bleh!)
(458) GM: (Strangely, I concur with both of you.)
(458) GM: Okay, so do you want to begin on Sunday morning or Saturday night?
(472) Bambi: Next day, I guess. :)
(458) GM: Okay. Sunday morning dawns nice and clear. The garage sales of yesterday are but a memory and you all manage to sleep in. Ahh.
(455) Leon: (Sunday morning is fine...)
(472) Bambi: zzzz...
** Cherri shakes her head. "Too late, master." **
(455) Leon: (Thththpppt. Was fetching water....)
** Cherri is up early for a necromantic apprentice and starts breakfast. It looks like Pop Tarts are the featured entree. **
(472) Bambi: (Good. Bambi is tired of being the mom.)
** Leon wonders if the pop-tarts are goth enough. **
(472) Bambi: (Mammary does not necessarily equal mommy.)
Cherri: "It's like a death. Umm umm. Death. Death in the fam-il-eeee eeeh eeh." She grooves to Type O Negative while toasterizing the little trans-fat laden delights.
(458) GM: (crickets chirping)
(455) Leon: "I wonder some days... Oh well.... Where did this Shatner CD come from? Cherri! Didn't I tell you to throw this away?"
** Leon slings the CD out the window towards the Bin Laden house. **
** (472) Bambi wakes up in bed alone, throws on a T-shirt and gym shorts and wanders blearily downstairs to the kitchen. **
Cherri: "Yes master. I burned it."
(455) Leon: "I had this horrible nightmare last night, these little weenies were following me around. They had rugs on their heads, and they kept yelling 'Khan!'"
Cherri: "Want to watch Star Trek 2?"
(455) Leon: "NO!"
** (472) Bambi could stand to watch that. **
** (472) Bambi considers calling her boyfriend. She is getting tired of waking up alone. **
** Cherri rolls her eyes as Bambi jiggles in. **
(472) Bambi: Bambi tends to naturally walk on her tiptoes while barefoot, since she's not used to walking on her flat feet.
Cherri: "Pop tart?"
(455) Leon: "No catfights, girls."
(458) GM: It's not Bambi, it's her "extras."
** (472) Bambi looks in the mirror, checking her roots. Her platinum blonde is growing out slightly, revealing her normal pale blonde hair. No one can see it but her apparently. **
(458) GM: Goth chicks don't tend to have knockers.
** Leon looks over the pop-tarts, selected the least burnt one. **
(472) Bambi: "I hope my boyfriend gets here soon. There was a time when I would never have to go more than six hours without sex." Bambi grabs a pop-tart, and gets some juice from the fridge.
** Leon rolls his eyes. **
** Cherri looks at Leon expectantly. **
Cherri: Seeing that he's not saying much, she nibbles on a pop tart. "Mmm, blackberry."
(455) Leon: "Thanks for breakfast, Cherri. Did you study the book I gave you? You can't know too many incantations."
Cherri: "Since I'm in the same situation as Bambi, yes, master."
(455) Leon: "What do you mean, Cherri?"
** Cherri purses her lips and waits for Leon to get it. **
(472) Bambi: "Dude, fuck her."
** Leon suddenly realizes. **
(455) Leon: "Oh."
** Leon gives Bambi a 'You know you're a bad influence' look. **
** (472) Bambi reflects that when Leon is getting it more than her, there is something horrible wrong with the universe. **
** Cherri lets a hint of a smile on her lips. **
(472) Bambi: "Go easy on him, Cherri. I think life-giving acts are against his religion."
** Leon rolls his eyes again. **
** Leon is really wondering how the conversation got around to this. **
(455) Leon: "It's Sunday, should we go fishing? I've got these undead crickets that work really well."
** Cherri begins singing and turns back to the toaster. "M O" **
Cherri: "M O R"
Cherri: "M O R N I N G W O O D.)
** Leon rolls his eyes again. This is becoming habitual. **
(458) GM: It's kind of weird hearing that kind of happy song come out of her black lipsticked mouth.
** Keef of the Chemicals wanders in. **
** Uncle Jerry Bear staggers after him. **
(455) Leon: "Ok, this is getting weird, what is going on, Cherri? I haven't seen you happy since... Well, I can't really remember a happy time."
Keef of the Chemicals: "Eh? Wot's all this then?"
Cherri: "Since we rode the washing machine?"
** Uncle Jerry Bear doesn't say anything, he just eats the remaining Pop Tarts. Then he eats the plates. **
** Leon watches Uncle Jerry Bear, unable to speak. **
Keef of the Chemicals: "I need somefin'."
(455) Leon: "That reminds me, I need more rubber cement. Whatcha need, Keef?"
** Keef of the Chemicals rummages around under the sink and finds the chlorine bleach. He pours himself a shot and cuts it with orange juice. "Keeps me young." **
** Keef of the Chemicals hammers it down in one gulp. **
Keef of the Chemicals: "Breakfast, mate. Eh, why am I 'ere again?"
(455) Leon: "Now that... is just weird."
(455) Leon: "You guys want a ride somewhere?"
Keef of the Chemicals: "And this bloke," he points to Jerry, "Keeps trying to eat me fingers when I'm sleepin'."
(455) Leon: "Bambi, gimme the keys."
(455) Leon: "Cherri, put on your sunblock. SPF 350 is in the cabinet."
(455) Leon: "We're going on a road trip."
Keef of the Chemicals: "Yeh, London would be fine."
** (472) Bambi hands him the keys, "Where are you going?" **
** Cherri gets her gallon tub of sunblock and slathers it on. **
(472) Bambi: "One thing first. I just thought of an idea for while we're gone."
** Uncle Jerry Bear drools, leaving little pieces of china on the floor. **
(455) Leon: "London's a bit of a drive from Red Oaks, but we could drive down to San Francisco to the airport. There are very few finger eaters there. At least not his sort."
Keef of the Chemicals: "Whoa, saw somefin' like that in Amsterdam once."
(455) Leon: "What's that, Bambi?"
Uncle Jerry Bear: "Ugh. Rehab. Ugh. Ride? Ugh. Ugh. Please?"
** (472) Bambi picks up the phone, and dials the cell of one of her stalker cult from the stalker shanty-town down the block. She affects a weird voice. "Dudes! Tell everyone! The Bin Ladens have the new Bambi Pinkflower RealDoll somewhere in their house!" **
(455) Leon: "Get in the truck, Jerry."
(455) Leon: (HAHAHAHA!)
Uncle Jerry Bear: "Ugh. Thanks. Ugh. Brownie?" He digs a moldy brownie with curious green spots on it out of his pocket.
(455) Leon: "What, you want me to reanimate that?"
Keef of the Chemicals: "You bloomin' bastard! You been holdin' out on me. Gimme that!"
(472) Bambi: "So where are we heading Leon."
** Keef of the Chemicals eats the brownie in one bite. "Oh, man. Orange juice and chocolate just don't mix." **
(455) Leon: "Frisco. Either the airport or just downtown. These two will blend in either place."
Keef of the Chemicals: "Right. Played the Fillmore a few times there. Eh, get a move on, you dumb finger-nibbler. Cheeky bastard."
(455) Leon: "Plus, they have this big goth underground there. Cherri will love it."
** Keef of the Chemicals kicks Jerry. Jerry shambles toward the garage. **
Cherri: "Ooooooooooh! Gimme gimme!"
** Leon climbs in the truck. **
(455) Leon: "Course, they also sell a lot of pink cowboy hats, so I'm wearing the armored underwear."
** Cherri comes down dressed in a black PVC miniskirt and a spiderweb-pattern bodystocking. The only color comes from her blood-red nails. "I'm ready, master." **
** Uncle Jerry Bear is having trouble with the tailgate. Specifically, he can't seem to open it. **
(455) Leon: "Ok, you're up front with me. You guys, in the back. Mind the spare tire, it's not rubber, and it bites."
** (472) Bambi has a t-shirt that's too small and leather mini-skirt and boots. **
(472) Bambi: "Avoid the shanty-town. If they see me they'll forget about the Bin Ladens.
(455) Leon: "Well, keep your head and any other prodigious appendages out of sight the best you can, then."
** Leon cranks the truck up. **
** Leon looks to see if Jerry made it in the back. **
** Uncle Jerry Bear gets some help from Keef. The aged 'Stone pushes the zombie into the bed with a nauseating whump-splat. **
Keef of the Chemicals: "Wooo wooo. Just like the Voodoo Lounge tour."
(455) Leon: "Ok, here we go..."
** Leon squeals the tires and burns out of the driveway. **
(458) GM: You start up the truck. There is a blip on the Richter scale.
(458) GM: Cherri sits in the middle. She has a new perfume. It smells like burning leaves.
(458) GM: It's very distracting, Leon.
(455) Leon: (Someone's been listening to Type O...)
** Uncle Jerry Bear hugs the spare tire. "Mom?" **
(455) Leon: (One of their better songs.)
(458) GM: (Couldn't resist stealing that line.)
(455) Leon: "No, that's not your mother, and if you hug it, it won't leave your leg alone."
** (472) Bambi has been in heat for days. Dogs are howling all over town. **
** Leon is a bit distracted by Cherri's perfume. **
** Leon quickly straightens the truck on the road. The truck picks up speed. **
(455) Leon: "Bambi, we can pick up your boyfriend on the way back.
** Leon whispers to Cherri, "Something to keep her busy." **
** (472) Bambi smiles! "Glee!" **
** Leon races the truck along the highway, south towards San Francisco. **
Cherri: "Good."
Keef of the Chemicals: "You are a sick, sick bastard, you bastard," yells Keef to Jerry as the latter fondles the tire.
(455) Leon: "Good thing we've got a garden house at the house, I think we're going to need it."
** (472) Bambi sits in the back of the truck, cross-legged and eyes closed, position in a perfect way to maximize the vibration of the road. **
(455) Leon: "Bambi, Jerry's getting Nessie stirred up. We should let her go in the bay while we're down there."
** Keef of the Chemicals eventually tries to get a sing-along going, but the other drivers on the highway don't seem to want to participate. Keef eventually starts in with classics like "Paint it Black," "Mother's Little Helper," and "Meet the Flintstones." **
(455) Leon: ('Happy Cocktail to me, Happy Cocktail to me...')
(458) GM: (Did I miss something about the tire?)
(455) Leon: (No, I just made it up. Leon accidently summoned up the Loch Ness Monster one day. He kept it in the truck bed.)
** (472) Bambi doesn't hear. She is concentrating on the vibration..... building tension..... building....... **
(458) GM: Oh, anyone happen to be looking around? I don't think Bambi can get this one. :)
(472) Bambi: building.....
(458) GM: Lo..
(458) GM: Lol.
(472) Bambi: building.....
(455) Leon: "She leaves her err... toys... in the shower. Yecch. She's practically whittled them down to splinters with use."
(472) Bambi: BOOM!!!! A concussive force rocks the back of the truck, causing it to swerve!.... A second later, Bambi opens her eyes and sighs happily.
(455) Leon: "Silicone resonates, you know."
Cherri: "I noticed. We all share a bathroom since Abner has taken over the other one and nobody can use it now."
(472) Bambi: "Umm... check the glove compartment for tissues."
** Cherri hands a box out the window to the bimbo. **
(455) Leon: (Heh!)
Keef of the Chemicals: "Whoa! Woman! You rock! Wanna be my Bianca?"
** Keef of the Chemicals grins, almost cracking his face. **
(472) Bambi: "Nah. I'm done."
(455) Leon: "We're getting near the city traffic, so if you feel a speed bump, I just ran over a car. Or two."
(455) Leon: The truck bumps a couple of times.
(455) Leon: "Well, as long as I'm up here already, a few flat cars can't hurt."
** Keef of the Chemicals looks a little disappointed. **
Keef of the Chemicals: "Guess I'll jus' have to buy the movie, eh?"
Cherri: "More recruits for my cause, master."
(455) Leon: "Cause?"
(458) GM: You cross the bay bridge and get into the Streets of San Francisco. A young, scruffy MIchael Douglas screams by in a 70s car with Steve McQueen close behind.
(455) Leon: "Now that's odd."
Cherri: "I intend to be the Goth Dominatrix of the World. All will kneel before me. You know. That sort of thing."
(455) Leon: "Oh yeah, that cause."
** Cherri mimes cracking a whip. "Fetch me a latte, slave." **
Cherri: "I can't wait."
Keef of the Chemicals: "I know that guy!"
** Keef of the Chemicals points at McQueen. **
(472) Bambi: "What? You mean a world of eternal darkness with the undead ruling. The only living people living on farms to breed more future zombies? That sort of thing?"
(455) Leon: "Yeah, sounds nice, doesn't it? Oh well, so much for Utopia."
Cherri: "Of course! It'll be just like Disneyland, only darker, with zombies, and I'll be the eternal queen."
** Leon turns right, deciding downtown will be more interesting than the airport. Besides, he's got to drop of Nessie in the Bay." **
** (472) Bambi mutters, "That'll be the only way you'll get people to listen to your music." **
Cherri: "Ah, and you call your moaning music?"
(455) Leon: "Uh, Cherri, that wasn't a CD."
Keef of the Chemicals: "All right, mate. Cat fight!"
(455) Leon: "Which is all the more reason to pick up her boyfriend."
** Cherri rolls her eyes. "Yes, I know, master. I was comparing her songs to her porno audio tracks." **
** Leon squeals to a stop in the middle of downtown San Francisco. Winos and weirdos abound, but in a sophisticated Napa Valley kind of way. **
(458) GM: It gets really quiet in the 57 GMC as you barrel through San Fran. It's getting darker, by the way.
** Leon looks for rain clouds/ **
(458) GM: But it's around noon.
(458) GM: Well, Leon, there are clouds, of course, but...
** Leon peers up through the windshield. **
(472) Bambi: "That's why I had to.. um... release. If I got with him when I was all pent-up I would have probably shattered his pelvis."
(455) Leon: "Argh! The enemy!"
** Leon peers closer. **
Cherri: "What's the matter, master?"
** (472) Bambi looks around. **
(455) Leon: "Uh, Cherri, what do you see up there in the sky, blocking out the sun?"
Cherri: "Ow! Bright light." She puts on her sunglasses.
(458) GM: There are a few clouds in the sky, but there's also a huge white cube-shaped object blocking out the sun. It looks like a giant clothes dryer.
Cherri: "A big white thing."
(455) Leon: "That's what I thought. Anyone need anything big dried?"
(455) Leon: "Maybe it's Abner, test flying a UFO or something."
** Uncle Jerry Bear stops gnawing on the tire/Loch Ness Monster long enough to stare at the thing in the sky. "Ugh." **
(455) Leon: "Bambi? Can you see any better?"
(472) Bambi: "Not really."
Keef of the Chemicals: "Whoa."
(455) Leon: "Hrmph."
** Leon climbs out of the truck to get a better look. **
(458) GM: Leon, it's like a nightmarish My Beautiful Laundrette."
(455) Leon: "Oh god no! Not giant Barbie furniture in the sky!"
(472) Bambi: "Where's the washer? It doesn't seem right by itself."
(455) Leon: "I don't know, but it's kind of freaky anyway."
Cherri: "Doesn't it remind you of 'V'?"
(455) Leon: "Yeah, think the aliens have arrived to conquer the earth? Or maybe they decided they didn't want their baby Jesus after all..."
(458) GM: The dryer rumbles a deep basso note.
(455) Leon: "Is it trying to communicate? Jerry, can you understand it?"
Keef of the Chemicals: "Hey, they're returning, Elvis, mates!"
(455) Leon: "Like we need him back."
** Uncle Jerry Bear gurgles and starts pulling on his beard. He arranges it, twisting the strands in strange directions. You hear whines and chirps as he tunes in. **
** Uncle Jerry Bear suddenly straightens up and begins talking in a crisp, British accent. **
(455) Leon: "This is getting worse..."
Uncle Jerry Bear: "Ahem, ahem. Stop messing with the volume, Nigel. Attention people of Urf. I say, attention."
(455) Leon: (Somebody must have just watched "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"...)
Uncle Jerry Bear: "Now listen closely. We are here, don't you know, to study your race. We have, without your knowledge or permission, I'm afraid, been monitoring your habits for quite some time."
(458) GM: (Nope. Why? Is this derivative? That Adams bastard always stealing my ideas!)
(472) Bambi: "Maybe it's like Plan 9, raising the dead to conquer earth. Horning in on your schtick, Cherri."
Cherri: "Of course, that means war."
Uncle Jerry Bear: "Now then, just be patient and we'll have all of this taken care of before you can say, 1000101011011110101010001111010101010111101010."
(455) Leon: "Look, Bambi's sorta atypical, your oversexed blonde type..."
(455) Leon: "And you shouldn't judge the earth just on her habits."
(472) Bambi: "What? I've been good lately!"
** Uncle Jerry Bear chirps and whistles as feedback lights up the human radio. "Hello? I say, is there something responding? Didn't I tell you these Urf creatures are clever?" **
Uncle Jerry Bear: "H E L L O. WHO ARE YOU?"
(455) Leon: "What are you planning to do?"
Uncle Jerry Bear: "Aha! Right-o. They can speak our language. Jolly good. As I remarked earlier, we intend to...uh...collect some of our...uh...data acquisition devices."
Keef of the Chemicals: "'E sounds jus' like my uncol."
(455) Leon: "I'm Leon, and this is Bambi, and this is Cherri, soon to be Supreme Ruler of Planet Earth."
Keef of the Chemicals: "Cheeky bastard."
(455) Leon: "What data acquisition devices?"
Keef of the Chemicals: "Oy, and Keef and this is Jerry the Finger Nibbler."
Uncle Jerry Bear: "Oh ho ho, let's not get into deep water, Urflings. Let's just say that you won't miss them. Now then, you seem to be the only life forms intelligent enough to receive our signals. Your 'cable TV' seems to be a difficult medium through which to contact you. We've been running 'infomercials' regarding our visit for hours with not a single call-in response. Yes, Nigel. You were right. It was a waste of money."
** Leon chuckles. **
Uncle Jerry Bear: "Now then LeonBambiCherriKeefNibbler person, where are you? Oh, yes. You seem to be in that highly modified wagon thing."
Uncle Jerry Bear: "The color of zorg-gum," pipes in a new voice.
(455) Leon: "People, person plural."
Uncle Jerry Bear: "Yes, Nigel. Zorg-gum. Sigh. It's difficult getting good help these days."
(455) Leon: "Tell me about it." Leon looks at Keef again.
Uncle Jerry Bear: "Oh, goodness. Our apologies. We thought you were collective. You seem to live in hives on the surface, so we assumed..."
Uncle Jerry Bear: "Shut up, Nigel, or you'll get no silicone in your rations for a week."
(472) Bambi: "Still don't know what you want."
(455) Leon: "Sounds like they like Silicone, though. You'll be popular, Bambi."
Uncle Jerry Bear: "Ah, yes. Well, we're collecting data, Urflings. You seem like a decent sort, so perhaps you could assist us. One of our, how shall we say, data collection agents has gone missing. Perhaps you have seen it?"
(455) Leon: "Is it bigger than a breadbox?"
** Uncle Jerry Bear starts waving his arms. "It's is about this big." **
(458) GM: (About 3'x3'x3'.)
(455) Leon: "What's it look like?"
Uncle Jerry Bear: "Oh, I made a dreadful grammatical error in that statement. I do apologize. It was just supposed to be 'It's'."
Uncle Jerry Bear: "Oh you know, sort of smooth, metallic for durability, and the color being white."
(455) Leon: "Like a dryer, maybe?"
Uncle Jerry Bear: "It's official designation is KEN-057 of the M.O.R.E. study."
(455) Leon: "M.O.R.E?"
(472) Bambi: "Is that it?" Bambi points to the dryer in the sky.
Uncle Jerry Bear: "Microbial Organism Research Expedition."
(455) Leon: "Oh. What's the KEN-057 bit mean?"
Uncle Jerry Bear: "So have you seen Ken? We are worried about him. We've located all of the MAY and WHIR series drones."
(455) Leon: (Ken More... I get it now...)
Uncle Jerry Bear: "Oh, that's its name. KEN-057. Catchy, don't you think?"
Uncle Jerry Bear: (Nyuk.)
(455) Leon: "There's a lot of dryers on the planet. How will we know this one if we see it?"
Uncle Jerry Bear: "Oh, well, because this one is malfuctioning. It isn't stealing socks properly."
Uncle Jerry Bear: "And it was last seen in this geographic zone."
(455) Leon: "Stealing socks? You learn about Earth from socks?"
** Leon wonders what they learn from Abner's socks. Probably very bad things." **
Uncle Jerry Bear: "Of course! How better to learn about a planet than to obtain its microbes?"
(455) Leon: "We'll need a big pile of socks, and some quarters for the laundromat."
Uncle Jerry Bear: Nigel chimes in, "And how would YOU study a planet?"
(455) Leon: "You might use a telescope."
Uncle Jerry Bear: "Please, Nigel. We don't want to antagonize these primitive life forms."
Uncle Jerry Bear: "Oh, yes, we would have liked that, but there wasn't enough in the research budget, so we settled for socks."
** (472) Bambi groans. "Do you have an approximate location?" **
** Leon ponders the bureaucracy that favors socks over telescopes. **
Keef of the Chemicals: "So that's where me other Mickey Mouse sock went. Alien bastards!"
(455) Leon: "Keef! That wino still has some wine left!"
(458) GM: "High silicone levels in the voice of this one," mutters Nigel. "No sampling, Nigel," is the hushed response. "Ahem, well, the original drop off point was somewhere around here. Since you Urflings seem to move about a lot, it could be anywhere. We last tracked it moving toward this population center from a location closer by several dozen oggs toward the polar region."
Keef of the Chemicals: "Huh? Where?"
(455) Leon: "What's an ogg?"
** Keef of the Chemicals leaps out of the back of the truck and takes off at a gallop, dragging his guitar behind him. You don't expect to see him again. **
(472) Bambi: "Interesting. Well. good luck finding it! Have a good day!"
(458) GM: "A measure of distance."
(455) Leon: "How far is an ogg?"
Uncle Jerry Bear: "Now don't be hasty, Urflings. We are willing to help your kind if you are willing to help us."
(455) Leon: "How's that?"
Uncle Jerry Bear: "About as far as it takes for one of your kind to fall down panting, according to our preliminary sock analysis." (about a mile)
Uncle Jerry Bear: "You know, you scratch our irritation zones and we'll scratch yours."
(455) Leon: "So, if we help you out, how will you help us out?"
** Leon doesn't really want his irritation zone scratched by an alien, or anyone else. **
Uncle Jerry Bear: "We can cure many of your diseases."
(458) GM: (At this point, not even alien technology can scratch Bambi's irritation zone effectively.)
(455) Leon: (HA!)
Uncle Jerry Bear: "Lawyers, for instance."
(455) Leon: "Ok, sounds like a good deal to me. Say, is there a microbe in the socks that causes Lawyers?"
Uncle Jerry Bear: "We'll let you know if we find out."
Uncle Jerry Bear: "Now then, run along. We'll wait here."
(455) Leon: "Ok, we'll start looking then. Uh, have a uh, nice alien day. Or something."
(458) GM: (This was a lot funnier in my head.)
(455) Leon: (It is pretty funny, especially finding a cure for lawyers.)
(472) Bambi: hehe
(458) GM: (Meh, it needs work.)
(472) Bambi: (It's 11:30, by the way.)
** Leon turns to the girls. "Here's the plan, we pick up boy-wonder, and head back north." **
(458) GM: (Yeah, this is a good wind-down point.)
(455) Leon: "Usually, if something weird is anywhere in the region, it'll gravitate to one person. A person we owe rent to."
Cherri: "Whatever."
(472) Bambi: "Yay!"
(455) Leon: (Yep, a good stopping point.)