(162) BillionSix: Okay, we were at the community center and we were discussing a plan involving Nair. No actual combat had started.
(162) BillionSix: (I think both Bambi and Cherri would both own Nair.)
(161) Leon: (Which probably has several uses...)
(161) Leon: (Embarrassing toe-hair, for example.)
(163) GM: Yes, as I recall, the trolls were shaving horrifying sigils into the back hair of some Shatner fans (male and female). Several of these sigils glow red and emilt sparks. For some strange reason, they seem to think that shaving these symbols into the innocent (relatively speaking) will make Evil Love love them.
** (162) Bambi is worried that Evil Love is behind this in some way. And if we stop the trolls, we will only succeed in pissing off the landlord. :) **
(161) Leon: (Yeah, but what else would be new, Bambi!)
(163) GM: Any questions?
(162) Bambi: Hmm. Not really.
(161) Leon: Nope, except possibly an inquiry about our Nair supply.
(163) GM: Oh, you have plenty of it--at home.
(163) GM: Even Abner has a bottle. He uses it to get rid of unwanted finger- and toenail hair.
(163) GM: *fingernail
** Leon hopes Cherri can run fast, then. **
(162) Bambi: Well, darn. I don't know what will we use to fight these things though.
Cherri: "Ew! That's so grotesque."
(162) Bambi: I assume Leon can think of some banishing type spells?
(161) Leon: "Well, hair is just dead tissue, right, that used to be alive..."
(163) GM: As the trolls resume shaving, the enthralled Shatner fans begin stomping their feet and singing.
(163) GM: BOOM BOOM SWISH
(163) GM: BOOM BOOM SWISH
(163) GM: "WE WILL WE WILL"
(163) GM: "SHAVE YOU!"
(163) GM: BOOM BOOM SWISH
(163) GM: BOOM BOOM SWISH
(163) GM: "WE WILL WE WILL"
(163) GM: "SHAVE YOU!"
(161) Leon: "Argh! Have they no shame?"
** Leon begins chanting to resurrect the dead hair. **
(162) Bambi: (Technically, anyone can try anything. Bambi could attempt a banishing spell with her Singer/Guitarist cliche, but the target number would be astronimica.)
(163) GM: Heh, the hair doesn't necessarily want to be resurrected. Roll for it!
(161) Leon: Necromancy: Braid those Dead-locks: [5d6] -> [6,1,1,1,5] = (14)
(162) Bambi: "Maybe we should have gotten hats."
(163) GM: [4d6] -> [1,5,4,3] = (13) Possessed Shatner Rug
(163) GM: The hair seems to twist and sway to Leon's chanting. It grows luxuriant and shiny, then it curls into freaky, snakelike dreds.
(163) GM: Complete with twigs and an aroma of old doobies.
(163) GM: This, of course, irritates the trolls. It also irritates the hair, which tries to fling lice at Leon.
(161) Leon: "That should keep the trolls busy, it'll be tough carving symbols into that mess."
(161) Leon: "Cherri! Where's your Nair?"
(163) GM: Lice Storm [3d6] -> [1,4,6] = (11)
Cherri: "In the Medicine Cabinet of Ultimate Darkness, master."
Cherri: "Ew! That's even more grotesque."
(161) Leon: "Can you run home and grab it? A lot of it?"
** Cherri flicks lice off of her ultra-black high-heel Victorian ball-buster booties by Farragamo. **
Cherri: "Whatever. This is going nowhere."
** Cherri stomps off toward your house. **
(163) GM: There are lice streaming toward Leon like a tiny, crawling tsunami of parasites.
(161) Leon: "Ok, so the Necromantic Manual doesn't say a lot about Shatner fanatics. Or lice."
** Leon begins chanting to summon up an undead anteater. **
** (162) Bambi steps forward and shouts to the crowd. "Don't let yourself be defeated by these things...... Would Kirk give up?" **
** Leon smacks himself on the head. **
(161) Leon: "There's a CD at home, 'Spock Sings.' It's got 'Bitter Dregs' and 'The Hobbit Song.'"
(163) GM: The Shatner fans scream in rage at Bambi's speech.
(163) GM: "NO SPOCK!"
(163) GM: "NO TREK!"
(163) GM: "ONLY BILL SHATNER'S OTHER WORK!"
(163) GM: "INCUBUS WAS SNUBBED AT THE OSCARS!"
** (162) Bambi looks at them, and decides that maybe the trolls can have them. **
** Leon holds up his hand, fingers spread apart between the middle ones. "Uh, live long and prosper?" **
(163) GM: The Shatnerians hurl cups of Kool-Aid, stale donuts, and name badges.
(161) Leon: "FOOD FIGHT!"
(163) GM: I think that qualifies as an attack.
** Leon knows that no other words can inspire such passion at a nerd-fest as "Food Fight." **
** (162) Bambi 's eyes widen as she knows her hairdo won't survive this. But at least latex wipes clean easily. **
(163) GM: Brainwashed Uber-Fans [3d6] -> [3,2,1] = (6) launch a Budget Convention Food War.
(163) GM: (They suck!)
(163) GM: Each of you guys gets an action.
(162) Bambi: Of course they fail. They are unable to throw the food. They lift it, then can't resist putting it in their mouths.
** Leon mystically animates the donuts into flying skulls to attack the rabid fans. Necromantic Skullduggery: [5d6] -> [4,2,6,4,5] = (21) **
(162) Bambi: "Attention everyone! I have an announcement!"
(163) GM: There is a brief pause in the donut-necromancy-flinging frenzy.
(163) GM: One of the Shatnerians mutters, "Boobs."
(161) Leon: (HAHAHAHA!)
(162) Bambi: "I have, at my house, one of the few copies of a movie I starred in with William Shatner. It's his only porn film. It's called T.J. the Hooker. I will give a copy to whoever kills the most troll dolls."
(163) GM: There is utter silence in the room, aside from the buzz of the trolls' razors.
(163) GM: (Hmm, that offer needs a roll to make it stick.)
(161) Leon: "Maybe you should flash 'em. You know, get them started?"
(163) GM: (lol.)
** Cherri traipses back in just at that moment. **
Cherri: "Why are they drooling?"
(162) Bambi: "In addition to Bill Shatner, the movie also has these." She raises her latex top. (She doesn't mention that she was a couple of cup sizes smaller then.)
Cherri: "Ew! Get your hand out of your pocket, freak!"
(161) Leon: "Quick, Cherri, goop up some nerd heads!"
(162) Bambi: Porn Star [4d6] -> [3,4,4,1] = (12)
Cherri: "AAAAAAAAHHH. My EYES!"
(162) Bambi: (But the difficulty should be fairly low, I think.)
(162) Bambi: (hehe. Twig-like goth chick.)
(163) GM: The Shatnerian who muttered earlier mumbles something else. "Whoa. They have satellites."
(163) GM: The rest scream out, "MY GOD, THEY
(163) GM: 'RE FILLED WITH STARS!"
(161) Leon: (HA!)
(163) GM: They charge Bambi.
** (162) Bambi runs. **
(163) GM: The trolls bounce off of chubby Shatnerian bodies and clatter on the floor in a tangle of polystyrene hair.
(163) GM: The Shatnerians follow Bambi. She can't run very fast in 6" heels, but they can't run very fast at all being, for the most part, composed entirely of Cokes and Chee-tos.
(161) Leon: "Okay, I admit I was wrong on one or two points."
** Leon grabs something large and begins clubbing the troll dolls. **
Cherri: "Do you still want the Nair, master. Can I open my eyes or is it like Raiders of the Lost Ark?"
(162) Bambi: (Of course, some of them manifest the fear reaction, and are trying to claw through the opposite wall.))
(161) Leon: "Nair the nerd-heads, Cherri!"
(163) GM: On the bright side, the Shatnerians are no longer brainwashed. On the not so bright side, they've traded Love for Lust.
Cherri: "What part first? Backs, heads, toes? Could you be more specific?"
(161) Leon: "Hair on their heads, Cherri!"
The Shatnerians: "Is it true he has three testicles?"
The Shatnerians: "We get to see the dingle of our deity! Huzzah!"
** (162) Bambi is very experienced with heels, and can run surprisingly fast. But she's hardly an Olympic sprinter. **
The Shatnerians: "Anyone bring any Evian?"
The Shatnerians: "Only about a gallon."
The Shatnerians: "HUZZAH!"
** Leon groans, and returns to happily clubbing troll dolls. **
(162) Bambi: (Evian? Don't get it.)
** Cherri chases after Bambi and the Shatnerians. **
(163) GM: (Skin creme.)
(162) Bambi: (I thought it was bottled water.)
(163) GM: (It is that, too.)
(163) GM: (Lecter mentioned Evian skin creme to Agent Starling. Heh, "It rubs the lotion on its skin or it gets the hose again.")
** Leon stomps a troll doll, thinking of new lyrics for the next gig. **
(161) Leon: (That was Buffalo Bill, not Lecter.)
** (162) Bambi tries to circle around, and lead the Shatners across the troll dolls. She has the stompy boots, but not the much weight. **
(161) Leon: (Never mind, a closer reading revealed what you said, sorry.)
(163) GM: (Man, that joke bombed!)
(163) GM: The trolls die painfully, like the cheap, mass-produced Day-Glo Ugly Munchkins that they are.
The Trolls of Love: "Mama! Ooh ooh ooh ooh!" they sing in chorus.
(161) Leon: "Now, if only the Shatnerians would pass out or something. Too bad Shatner isn't dead so I can summon him."
The Trolls of Love: "We don't wanna die. We sometimes wish we'd never been born at all. Carry on, carry on."
The Trolls of Love: The last trolls sputters out,
The Trolls of Love: "Nothing...really...matters," before dying.
(162) Bambi: I suppose the Shatnerians will go on to join one of my stalker cults. There is one living in a makeshift shantytown in the vacant lot on the next block to our house.
The Shatnerians: Meanwhile, the Shatnerians start heaving for breath and have to sit down. All this exercise is killing them, y'know.'
(161) Leon: "I wondered where that Queen CD I threw out ended up."
Cherri: "That CD was a killer."
(161) Leon: "The real question is where did it come from? Just like that Shatner CD that keeps popping up."
** (162) Bambi doesn't want to get close to them, but asks Leon to get the addresses of the stompier ones. She really should send them TJ the Hooker like she promised. **
Cherri: "I have no idea," says Cherri with a straight face.
** Cherri makes a mental note to buy a few more copies of The Best of Queen. **
(161) Leon: "Why do I always have to play usher to your rabid fans? Sheesh, Bambi."
** Leon starts collecting addresses, planning on other things than delivering movies. **
(163) GM: If Abner were here, he's start singing "We are the Champions."
(162) Bambi: (hehe. Like some kind of wasting curse?)
(161) Leon: (More like somewhere to dump some of the less successful zombie experiments.)
** The Shatnerians line up as well as they can since they're ready to pass out. Leon goes down the line getting addresses (of their parents, mostly), ignoring the white powdered skulls chewing on their dirty dredlocks. **
(162) Bambi: (Too bad. Properly marketed, a wasting curse could be a big seller among the obese.)
(163) GM: (Yeah, like "Thinner" by Stephen King.)
(163) GM: Several Shatnerians swoon as Bambi draws near.
The Shatnerians: "She touched him! She's like a hot Mother Teresa!"
** (162) Bambi politely reminds them that since she had sex with the Shatner, her body is sacred and may not be touched without permission. **
The Shatnerians: "With BOOBS."
** The Shatnerians grovel. **
** Leon groans. **
** (162) Bambi is happy. She paid good money for the boobs and is happy that they are appreciated. **
The Shatnerians: One mutters that they're probably fake but he's quickly silenced for his heretical views.
(163) GM: Thus ends The Cheap, the Tacky, and the Evil (Love).